When it rains it pours, right?

Today is the first day that Ian and I are both home on a weekday...with no work to go to. I don't like this feeling...the feeling like I should be doing something but can't identify what to do.

Ian was laid off from his job on Thursday, so after mid-August we officially have zero income. Scary does not even begin to describe this horrible situation. We had planned to switch me onto his health insurance through work when mine expired Aug 15, but that is no longer an option obviously. Thank you Dechert! I believe we can both be covered under Temple's student health insurance, though I worry how complete it will be, so Ian is working on setting that up. Great time to be pregnant and entering the third trimester.

I never heard back from the professor that I spoke to about post-docing, so perhaps the pregnancy has scared off another option for me? I am close to giving up on finding employment...with all the unemployed and competitive applicants out there, who would take on somebody with a health condition who will surely be out of work for a few weeks to months? Sucks to say the least.

My friends are being very supportive, but I am not returning the favor to them. I have received a number of very nice emails, but I have not been able to answer a single one of them. I just keep pushing it off...I don't know what to say to anyone. I hate being a downer, so I keep waiting for a better day. It hasn't come yet.

I don't know how everything will work out over the next six months...I cannot even begin to come up with a plan that will work...never felt so utterly helpless and hopeless before. I cannot even begin to imagine how so many other people across the nation are coping with this failed economy...but I also see so many successful people around me. It is hard, because I don't know why we have fallen into the failing category. What did we do wrong? I have identified a number of bad choices, such as having the wedding and acquiring that debt, but neither of us ever imagined that things could go so terribly wrong in a matter of six months.

I just hope something good happens soon. I do not like the doubts and bad feelings that I am starting to have about the pregnancy. I do not regret it, but part of me is kicking myself for the timing of it all. I wish we did not have so many bad things happening during this time, what should be one of the happiest times of our lives.
Marie

Home sweet home...

Overall, Vermont was a difficult trip, but the second half of the week went much better, as I spent much time with my Mom. After going to King Arthur on Wed. (what fun!), we had a nice evening at dinner at a local Italian restaurant with Buck and Demetra. On Thursday morning we took the huskies on a mushing run with the bike cart contraption that Buck built. Poor Lothar (aka Ted the white husky) coached from Mom's car due to his hip dysplasia...he seemed to be okay with watching from the sidelines, but part of him must have missed pulling the sled - meathead that he is! That dog has quite the personality! The other huskies did a great job, even though Lica kept going to the side a bit to avoid pulling all her weight...those red huskies are tricky like that...so much like Luna! Anyway, we then had lunch at a BBQ place and sat around the fire later that evening. The kids loved making smores - Leif and Tessa perfectly burned the marshmallows for me and Mom...great job! Buck lit some fireworks and we ended the night lighting sparklers.

Mom and I dug out a few baby spruce and fir trees to bring home for Ian, as 2/4 of his oak trees died recently. Hopefully all of them will make it.

Mom and I left fairly early on Friday, with one additional stop at King Arthur...how could we resist! We got a really great loaf of Harvest Bread (must get the recipe) to bring home to share with Ian.

Traffic was bad, but not as bad as it could have been I guess. I loved driving through Massachusetts - made me miss living there. We could feel the humidity increase the farther south we drove, by the time we made it to Philly, I was dying! Because the heat and humidity was supposed to be so awful on Saturday, Mom, Ian and I went to Ocean City for the day. Traffic was pretty bad even though we left early - everyone else must have had the same idea as us for an escape. The weather was perfect - cloudy but warm. The water was very refreshing! Great day...great way to come back home.

Marie

more kicking...

Ian will be so excited when I finally get home (when will that be???)...
The baby's kicking is definitely stronger...he will be able to finally feel her kick! I just did when I placed my hand on my belly.
Marie

Last day in Vt?

Well, the quiet and solitude of Vermont allows me to write on this blog more than ever...waiting for Mom to finish taking a shower and the huskies are napping (surprise surprise lazy beasts)...so no one to talk to or entertain me.

Most likely leaving sometime this afternoon, as soon as Buck finishes working on Mom's car. In the meantime, Mom and I are heading to the King Arthur Flour Co store. Love that place, and one of the only reasons that I agreed to come along on this rather unfortunate trip. I'm like a kid in a candy store in that place!

I am not going to discuss my sister anymore...it is such a painful topic for me, that perhaps it is best to just let go and move on? It is hard to turn your back on family - I don't know how others can be so cold as to do so...but the german half of my family tree has a clear pattern of familial strife and long term (well, forever) estrangement. Well, it will not continue with my children, that is for sure. I do not want them to ever be exposed to this kind of hurt. Hopefully they will acquire Ian's laid-back easygoing mentality, and everything will be "normal." Wow - a normal family, something I have always wanted to experience!

I have learned quite a few things over the past 7 years...difficult experiences sometimes force you to grow and evolve...try not to take someone else for granted and try as hard as you can to express yourself now... never assume they already know what you are feeling. You end up much happier that way. You end up with honest relationships.

Vermont is beautiful though...I seriously doubt that I will return any time soon however. Ian really likes Maine, so maybe we could go back there again...with baby and pups? That would be some adventure! Perhaps in a year or two...

oh well... to the flour and baking we go!
Marie

Big mistake

Vermont has become a massive mistake. I was hesitant to make this trip in the first place, for the very reason that I am now attempting to get back home asap. Rental car companies, however, are not cooperating.

In a seemingly innocent conversation about going to the King Arthur factory store tomorrow, my sister refused to agree to leave one hour later in the morning for no apparent or logical reason. When I attempted to explain that I wanted to leave an hour later to allow my usual morning sickness to subside a bit, she greatly hurt me by saying this trip was HER FAMILY vacation. (basically, tough luck sister) Obviously sister does not translate into family in her eyes. This has been said to me repeatedly in the past, and I believe this time the message has really sunk in. I really and truly hope that none of her kids ever speak to one of their siblings in such a hurtful way. I fear that they will learn by example from watching the behavior of their mother. It is too bad that I foolishly keep hoping something would change in her....I have just repeatedly exposed myself to hurt feelings.

Needless to say, I am very very upset. This was one sad mistake. I am afraid of how upset I am getting and the baby...I don't want this stress to affect her at all. And so I will keep looking for a way to get home sooner than later.

Marie

City Life...

While my wonderful wife is exploring Vermont, the dogs and I have been hanging out here in the city. I've been mainly focusing on looking for a summer job for next year. As a law student, a summer job the year prior to graduation makes life a lot easier, typically such jobs lead to offers of permanent employement provided one doesn't cause some major trouble.

The whole process is kind of nutty. Each student gets to make a generic cover letter, an unofficial transcript and a resume. You then literally "bid" on interviews. Each firm has maybe 15 slots to interview people from each school. Hundreds of people bid on these slots, and the firms take the best of those on paper for interviews. Mind you, there are 20 intervies at 20+ law schools. After the interviews they consider those people, and bring in a smaller number (perhaps 50) for secondary interviews with their committee. Following that, they select a handful for summer positions. So summer jobs with the larger firms are neigh impossible to achieve. I applied to 37 different firms on Sunday, so perhaps I'll get an interview. I interviewed with one of them last year, but didn't pass the initial stage.

Thankfully, this is only perhaps the largest 100 or so firms in the country. To find the others, one must simply put the rubber to the road and hunt on your own. There are thousands of law firms in the country, from 1000 lawyer megafirms to solo practitioners working out of their houses. In a weird juxtaposition of the past 1o years, smaller firms are now doing much better than their larger counterparts. It seems in these tight economic times, people are more cynical about paying the huge sums demanded by the megafirms. I can't imagine why. So, tonight I start hunting in earnest for local firms. Ideally, one of them will be looking for someone to work next summer and stay on through the following year.

On a somewhat unrelated note... my former IP professor at Temple, who is an attorney upstairs at Woodcock Washburn recently won the largest intellectual property judgement in history. So congrats to him... wish I could get a job there!

One of the things I love about the city is the view. It's rainy today, but I actually enjoy these sort of days. There is something about this view of the city that projects a strength to me. I guess part of it is that I never imagined myself as ending up anywhere other than suburbia when I was younger. Despite all the beautiful wilderness I have seen, there is something about the city that draws me.

Work is stressful this week, for a number of reasons. There is a huge deadline next week, combined with a lot of office politics this week. Though it sounds like things are sorting themselves out. Odds are I will be continuing as I have been the last couple months. I am not quite sure of the reasons, but my posting record hours couldn't hurt.

Week 23 in Vermont

Week 23 started fairly rough. It was a very difficult car ride in the cramped backseat on the very long trip to Vermont. There was so much stuff in the car that I either had to sit straight up (which bothered my legs and back after a short bit) or I re-arranged the cargo and had to lay down in one position on my side the rest of the trip. Doing so led to pretty bad car sickness (which I have never had before), a headache, and really bad cramping. Ugh...miserable. I was a bit upset because I wished that my family had been a bit more considerate of me on the drive up....which leads me to my realization this morning. My family has trouble saying I'm sorry...or maybe they just aren't sorry (which I am hoping is not the case). There seems to be a lack of fundamental respect. Even one of the kids seems to be adopting this issue...after spraying fruit juice in my eyes with a juice box (so not funny! and quite surprising), I did not hear a single word of remorse or an "I'm sorry, Aunt Mer." That hurt me a bit...I always try to do right by my dearly loved nieces and nephews.

I have had to bite my tongue quite a few times on this trip with the cracks at liberals and urban life. That is my life...which I like very much. It is hard to hear the jokes and negative comments about those things. I would never choose country living or promote ignorance (ie being a redneck) over education...these are things that go completely against my grain. However, I do not flaunt my beliefs as being the only "good" or "right" way in front of others that obviously embrace these opposing things. It is a level of respect that I believe one must hold for others-it is being open to the possibility that there is more than one way to live this life. I don't know...frustrating to not see the respect returned. It makes me sad that Ian and I had to twist a few arms and make the extra effort to have some family at my thesis defense in Philly...but traveling to Vermont was so much easier for them to do. The belittling of my lifestyle and my beliefs has worn me down a bit on this trip. Sorry for the negativity, but it helps to vent sometimes.

The weather in Vt is beautiful...really makes me miss living in Massachusetts. I could live there again. New England will always be very dear to me. For now Philly (or filthadelphia as my family calls it) is home and is very much loved by me! And I dearly miss my puppy dogs! Oh and Ian of course!!!

Baby is kicking up a storm these days...she is a feisty one!

-Marie

A dog's life...

Tired dog's tonight... We took long walks, even the pups are tired... An hour for the pups and 20 min for big dogs. Below are action shots. Let me just say that one only has to walk through town to learn luna is the most popular dog... If they only knew.

The best dog...

Scopes out her domain.

Bella can't stand...

To be on the ground when there's a better seat available... She's awfully cute though.

Friday night....

As you can see the dogs are none too impressed with the tv selections. They think we should be doing something more fun.

Sadie prefers...

The hammock like everyone else...

Our new baby...

Well not really new... He just found a new place to sleep. This cat sleeps here all day...

The doggy car hammock!

Everyone wants to sit in the back seat now. Way more plush and comfortable than normal. Plus it keeps the car cleanER not clean, just slightly cleaner.

Week 22

Week 22 has been pretty good. Baby is kicking up a storm! Ian keeps trying to feel her kick, but every time he puts his hand on my belly, she stops kicking! He isn't patient enough to keep his hand there for more than a minute, so as soon as he pulls his hand away she starts to kick again. Oh well, one of these days he will get to experience his dancing daughter.

My belly is getting bigger and much much itchier. I am putting cream on it every night, but I noticed a little rash today. I will have to ask the doctor about it at tomorrow's appointment. It gets really bad at night, or maybe I just notice it more then.

Dogs are loving me being around. They follow me everywhere - from room to room - even into the bathroom. They should enjoy the attention now. No news on the job front...spoke to someone about post-docing, but not feeling very optimistic about it. The belly seems to be very prohibitive to finding work. Pretty soon I am going to have to give up on the short term and focus on lining something up for January. Ugh, don't know how we will make it through then though...maybe Ian can sell some more blood!

Yesterday my Mom and I went to the Barnes Foundation exhibit. The art collection was amazing...way bigger and more extensive than I had imagined. Mom learned a lot - she can now tell the difference between a Cezanne, a Renoir, a Matisse, and Van Gogh based upon the color choices and brushstrokes...very impressive, Mother! We both really liked a Matisse painting (Woman at dressing table, I believe is the name) and Mom got a print of that one and a Monet (one of the few there) that she really liked but didn't notice when we were going through the many many gallery rooms. I will have to mat and frame them for her in the next few weeks. The gardens and arboretum were also quite impressive. We sat by the little fish pond for a bit...very beautiful day. Mom wants to go back again...and I wouldn't mind either before this amazing collection moves to center city (what a shame).

I was happy to see that I am not the only one struggling to battle blackspot on roses...the rose garden at the Barnes is also heavily infected with this annoying disease. I think I have only lost one out of my six rose bushes this summer. The hot sun should help the remaining bushes recover.

After the Barnes, we picked up Buck from the airport - during nasty rush hour traffic. Almost couldn't find him, but we eventually spotted him sitting near the baggage claim doors. Went to the Manayunk Brewery for dinner then. I had a few sips of the blueberry wheat beer and a few others...yum! Baby didn't mind my minor transgression...

That's about it. Was fairly lazy today, very tired from yesterday I guess. Going to do some laundry in case I go to Vermont next week with Mom and Nicole and brood. I can do the other chores tomorrow.
Marie

Sadie the Law dog...

Thinks ethics is a boring class... She asks who would need professional responsibility?

Mid-week 21

Yesterday my Mom and I went to Ocean City NJ for the day. It was very nice, not hot at all, not very crowded, and no traffic! Though we both missed having Ian along to help carry the cooler and beach chairs (and his company of course)! Very pleasant day, though I now have strange burn marks on my feet where I neglected to put sunblock and Mom has the fun raccoon eyes because she didn't use any sunblock all day and wore sunglasses! Crazy woman only has a very slight redness - won't even call it a burn because it will be a ridiculous tan in a day or two. We had some interesting families surrounding (and crowding us)...we never pick a good spot on the beach! Oh well, it was entertaining I guess.

Dogs were depressed I wasn't home yesterday. I knew someone would do something bad - Ian sent me a picture of the damage in the kitchen when he got home from work. It seems that one of the pups helped themselves to a pack (almost full) of whole wheat hot dog rolls. yummy. It wasn't too hard to figure out the guilty thief. Luna had the most horrific diarrhea this morning...too much fiber in one sitting for her! Trying not to laugh at her, poor pup still isn't feeling super great. At least it wasn't the box of protein bars like last time...darn dog was hyped up after that incident.

Some bad news...our water heater decided to die yesterday...a nice leak and water on the floor around it were the telltale signs. Time to replace it. We expected as much, it is over 8 years old I believe. So Ian is coming home early today to meet the repairmen from Home Depot. Another unexpected large expense...

Oh well, I have to make a few pieces of jewelry today...time to get to my job and start working.

Marie

Week 21

It has been quite a few weeks since I posted anything. In between week 18 and now has been a whirlwind...finishing my thesis, the thesis defense, and wrapping up everything at Penn. I will try to sum those few weeks up - but they were a very stressful time to say the least. And I hate to keep posting negative things...but it is what it is!

I submitted my thesis to my committee members 1 week before the defense date...I waited to submit to then to get feedback from either of my two advisers. Neither one gave any! Only Ian and I reviewed the document. Well, the one called me from home the day I was submitting (after I had printed out 6 copies of a ~175 page document) and basically said it was confusing and needed massive revisions...well thank you very much! I submitted anyway (what else could I do?) though my confidence in the document was definitely shaken at that point. I should have considered the source before losing any sleep over it. Especially considering at the defense, my thesis committee told me it was very well written and only offered two suggestions for revisions (extremely minor - only to annotate two things differently). After turning it in, I then focused on my public presentation. I always enjoy putting together presentations in powerpoint, so this was kind of fun. After multiple revisions and last minute changes, it was ready by late Monday...defense was on Tuesday 6/23 3-5pm. Felt okay about the talk...joked around with the AV tech about fire alarms in the building (not uncommon)...well, I was standing at the podium at about 5 minutes before 3 and guess what! - fire alarm!!! Everyone had to clear the building. I found that to be terribly nerve-wracking and felt like I never regained my confidence completely. Many people couldn't make the defense, and I was a little disappointed about that. However, my sister and all the kids and my parents were there and that was very nice. The kids finally got to see where I worked and got to explore the lab for a few minutes...that was fun.

The week after my defense was terrible. It was extremely difficult for me to wrap up everything, make my thesis revisions and deposit it to the university, catalog all of my samples and data, and clean up my stuff in the span of a week. As my adviser would only pay me through June, it had to be done. He and I ended on a bad note, as he actually had the nerve to ask me to come in past Tuesday to upload some files for our paper resubmission (anyone can upload files - including him!!!!)...on my own time and own dime. I told him I was not comfortable coming in past Tuesday as that was the termination date for my position. He did not seem to like that but I felt that I needed to stand up for myself. I do not know of a single other graduate student that was supported for only one week following the defense. Ridiculous...and to expect that student to come in afterward and work essentially for free! Well, it was a bittersweet ending to a large chapter of my life. Neither my adviser or a few of the other lab members said goodbye to me...just kind of left without any hurrah. I am happy to be finished in that lab, though I still wish I had something to move on to.

And that leads me to the middle of last week and this week. Last week wasn't so bad because Ian came home a little early on Thursday and then had Friday off due to the holiday. We spent the day at a festival in Kutztown - got a little too much sun but it was a good time. Wasn't feeling too great by the end of the night. Saturday we did a few things around the house that needed to get done. Was a little sad to not spend the day with friends at a bbq or something like that, but it felt good to get caught up on some house projects. We concluded the night in the backyard with a fire lit, but then the dogs were getting freaked out by the booms of fireworks so we had to call it a night. Sunday was a nice peaceful day at my parents with the dogs. Really ran them and tired them out...poor pups were not fully recovered until today, Wed.

Monday and Tuesday of this week have been rough. I have been trying to do much around the house - cleaning and working in the garden...anything to keep me busy. I feel physically weaker than I used to be, which is frustrating. I also noticed that I am clumsier than normal and my carpel tunnel is a bit aggravated in my right hand...getting lots of tingling and numbness which makes working with my hands much more difficult. It has been really hot in the house during the mid afternoon - house doesn't seem to cool down very well. I have been reluctant to turn on the AC due to the expense, so I have been trying to nap on the couch in the dark living room during the peak of the heat...hasn't been terribly effective so far. Also getting a little lonely and stir-crazy (and I have only been home for a week!!!!). Ian is never home and seems to think my being home means he can be even sloppier and messier! I am trying to adapt to this, but it is pretty hard...stay at home role is not for me. I miss talking to people and having lunch with anything other than dogs and the tv! Really really wish I could find a job so I could feel useful and productive again.

Oh well, the dogs have been enjoying me at home...and Ian has a personal assistant it seems. I am trying to stay optimistic and think about the baby. I am fairly sure I have felt her kicking a few times, especially in late morning. That is a good thing. I like looking at the cute clothes we have for her so far, tends to cheer me up a bit and give me something to look forward to. I should take some pics and post them...will try to do that soon. She is going to be one cute and stylish little one.

Well, week 21 is halfway through - more than halfway through the pregnancy!

Marie

Another trip to school...

This summer has seemed to really fly by. Tomorrow is my last day of summer classes, so thankfully it will be my last late school night until the end of August. Finals are due next Wed but hopefully they won't be too crazy.
It seems like the countdown to November is racing faster and faster. It is exciting though, once school is finished there's a lot to do around the house: finishing the floor/trim, getting nursery room ready and just in general making sure everything is set.
I certainly wish that there were a few extra hours in the day. There's always so much to get done, and so little time. I think our dogs shed a dog sized ball each week, which just leads to a furry house, furry everything.
I've started reading books to Marie and the baby at night, so hopefully she'll recognize me when she's born. We've started with Wind in the Willows which I remember reading or have read to me as a child. I have fun with this but I pretty much put Marie to sleep within 5 min. I guess my voice is monotone. We made some progress last night though.
Well its an exciting time. Scary though too at the same moment. Its going to be hard to juggle school, the baby, keeping our house standing and Marie next semester. My guess is it will be among the most difficult times of my life.
Well, that's it for now I guess I'll try to be more frequent from now on instead of my usual pictures

Sadies new bed

During the fireworks