Throwing in the towel...and pump...

Just spoke with our lactation consultant today to go over the progress from this weekend. Basically, not enough progress (no progress really). It is time to wind everything down, and just accept the inevitable. This baby is going to be a formula fed baby. It will be okay - so many babies have been raised on formula and are healthy and happy. I keep repeating that to myself.

Now, hoping that Mommy will be okay with this...and not settle into a bad funk or depression.
When my logical brain thinks about this and attempts to rationalize it, it is okay. I know that things will be fine. I cannot accept why this is happening, however, as I don't have a conclusive answer. The scientist analytical part of me needs to know why. I tried everything I was supposed to do...the constant pumping, the disgusting herbal supplements, the oatmeal, skin-to-skin, etc. Why is this happening? Do I have some structural defect or deficiency? Not likely according to the LC. Hormonal imbalance? Possibly...but how to test for that? I need answers, but there aren't really any available. Most women can do this...it's been done throughout time, throughout the poorest parts of the world. No explanation for me...I have to live with that and accept it. It scares me to have to go through this again if we have a second child. This has been emotionally and physically devastating...and I think the next few weeks will continue to be very difficult as I have to wean myself off this mess.

I feel frustrated, humiliated, inadequate, pissed, and helpless. Most of all, very sad.

I will miss holding little Annette so close to me, watching her chomp onto me like a little hungry beast (this is what prompted her nickname of "monster" while we were in the hospital), the smell of the milk, and her happy drunken milk face (even though it only lasted a minute or two before she would seek out the bottle as I could never satisfy her needs). Before, I was thrilled to see a few leaking drops of milk; now the leaking drops of milk are like tears, but they will go away very soon as things go away.

I am surprised at how strong this primal urge to breastfeed has become. How it becomes all encompassing...how it is the ultimate measure of your success as a mom in the early days. You are repeatedly told throughout pregnancy that breast is best and anyone can breastfeed-it is the natural way. Well, there is nothing natural about this for me. Nothing natural about round the clock feedings, being so tired that you don't even want to hold your baby in fear of rousing her natural hunger drive and not being able to meet her needs. The hope and then disappointment from another meager pumping.

Facing the truth, that you will not be able to do this thing that "everyone can do" is like grieving a death. It sounds strange, but I would imagine that anyone going through this would understand what I am saying.

-Marie