When it rains it pours, right?

Today is the first day that Ian and I are both home on a weekday...with no work to go to. I don't like this feeling...the feeling like I should be doing something but can't identify what to do.

Ian was laid off from his job on Thursday, so after mid-August we officially have zero income. Scary does not even begin to describe this horrible situation. We had planned to switch me onto his health insurance through work when mine expired Aug 15, but that is no longer an option obviously. Thank you Dechert! I believe we can both be covered under Temple's student health insurance, though I worry how complete it will be, so Ian is working on setting that up. Great time to be pregnant and entering the third trimester.

I never heard back from the professor that I spoke to about post-docing, so perhaps the pregnancy has scared off another option for me? I am close to giving up on finding employment...with all the unemployed and competitive applicants out there, who would take on somebody with a health condition who will surely be out of work for a few weeks to months? Sucks to say the least.

My friends are being very supportive, but I am not returning the favor to them. I have received a number of very nice emails, but I have not been able to answer a single one of them. I just keep pushing it off...I don't know what to say to anyone. I hate being a downer, so I keep waiting for a better day. It hasn't come yet.

I don't know how everything will work out over the next six months...I cannot even begin to come up with a plan that will work...never felt so utterly helpless and hopeless before. I cannot even begin to imagine how so many other people across the nation are coping with this failed economy...but I also see so many successful people around me. It is hard, because I don't know why we have fallen into the failing category. What did we do wrong? I have identified a number of bad choices, such as having the wedding and acquiring that debt, but neither of us ever imagined that things could go so terribly wrong in a matter of six months.

I just hope something good happens soon. I do not like the doubts and bad feelings that I am starting to have about the pregnancy. I do not regret it, but part of me is kicking myself for the timing of it all. I wish we did not have so many bad things happening during this time, what should be one of the happiest times of our lives.
Marie

Home sweet home...

Overall, Vermont was a difficult trip, but the second half of the week went much better, as I spent much time with my Mom. After going to King Arthur on Wed. (what fun!), we had a nice evening at dinner at a local Italian restaurant with Buck and Demetra. On Thursday morning we took the huskies on a mushing run with the bike cart contraption that Buck built. Poor Lothar (aka Ted the white husky) coached from Mom's car due to his hip dysplasia...he seemed to be okay with watching from the sidelines, but part of him must have missed pulling the sled - meathead that he is! That dog has quite the personality! The other huskies did a great job, even though Lica kept going to the side a bit to avoid pulling all her weight...those red huskies are tricky like that...so much like Luna! Anyway, we then had lunch at a BBQ place and sat around the fire later that evening. The kids loved making smores - Leif and Tessa perfectly burned the marshmallows for me and Mom...great job! Buck lit some fireworks and we ended the night lighting sparklers.

Mom and I dug out a few baby spruce and fir trees to bring home for Ian, as 2/4 of his oak trees died recently. Hopefully all of them will make it.

Mom and I left fairly early on Friday, with one additional stop at King Arthur...how could we resist! We got a really great loaf of Harvest Bread (must get the recipe) to bring home to share with Ian.

Traffic was bad, but not as bad as it could have been I guess. I loved driving through Massachusetts - made me miss living there. We could feel the humidity increase the farther south we drove, by the time we made it to Philly, I was dying! Because the heat and humidity was supposed to be so awful on Saturday, Mom, Ian and I went to Ocean City for the day. Traffic was pretty bad even though we left early - everyone else must have had the same idea as us for an escape. The weather was perfect - cloudy but warm. The water was very refreshing! Great day...great way to come back home.

Marie

more kicking...

Ian will be so excited when I finally get home (when will that be???)...
The baby's kicking is definitely stronger...he will be able to finally feel her kick! I just did when I placed my hand on my belly.
Marie

Last day in Vt?

Well, the quiet and solitude of Vermont allows me to write on this blog more than ever...waiting for Mom to finish taking a shower and the huskies are napping (surprise surprise lazy beasts)...so no one to talk to or entertain me.

Most likely leaving sometime this afternoon, as soon as Buck finishes working on Mom's car. In the meantime, Mom and I are heading to the King Arthur Flour Co store. Love that place, and one of the only reasons that I agreed to come along on this rather unfortunate trip. I'm like a kid in a candy store in that place!

I am not going to discuss my sister anymore...it is such a painful topic for me, that perhaps it is best to just let go and move on? It is hard to turn your back on family - I don't know how others can be so cold as to do so...but the german half of my family tree has a clear pattern of familial strife and long term (well, forever) estrangement. Well, it will not continue with my children, that is for sure. I do not want them to ever be exposed to this kind of hurt. Hopefully they will acquire Ian's laid-back easygoing mentality, and everything will be "normal." Wow - a normal family, something I have always wanted to experience!

I have learned quite a few things over the past 7 years...difficult experiences sometimes force you to grow and evolve...try not to take someone else for granted and try as hard as you can to express yourself now... never assume they already know what you are feeling. You end up much happier that way. You end up with honest relationships.

Vermont is beautiful though...I seriously doubt that I will return any time soon however. Ian really likes Maine, so maybe we could go back there again...with baby and pups? That would be some adventure! Perhaps in a year or two...

oh well... to the flour and baking we go!
Marie

Big mistake

Vermont has become a massive mistake. I was hesitant to make this trip in the first place, for the very reason that I am now attempting to get back home asap. Rental car companies, however, are not cooperating.

In a seemingly innocent conversation about going to the King Arthur factory store tomorrow, my sister refused to agree to leave one hour later in the morning for no apparent or logical reason. When I attempted to explain that I wanted to leave an hour later to allow my usual morning sickness to subside a bit, she greatly hurt me by saying this trip was HER FAMILY vacation. (basically, tough luck sister) Obviously sister does not translate into family in her eyes. This has been said to me repeatedly in the past, and I believe this time the message has really sunk in. I really and truly hope that none of her kids ever speak to one of their siblings in such a hurtful way. I fear that they will learn by example from watching the behavior of their mother. It is too bad that I foolishly keep hoping something would change in her....I have just repeatedly exposed myself to hurt feelings.

Needless to say, I am very very upset. This was one sad mistake. I am afraid of how upset I am getting and the baby...I don't want this stress to affect her at all. And so I will keep looking for a way to get home sooner than later.

Marie

City Life...

While my wonderful wife is exploring Vermont, the dogs and I have been hanging out here in the city. I've been mainly focusing on looking for a summer job for next year. As a law student, a summer job the year prior to graduation makes life a lot easier, typically such jobs lead to offers of permanent employement provided one doesn't cause some major trouble.

The whole process is kind of nutty. Each student gets to make a generic cover letter, an unofficial transcript and a resume. You then literally "bid" on interviews. Each firm has maybe 15 slots to interview people from each school. Hundreds of people bid on these slots, and the firms take the best of those on paper for interviews. Mind you, there are 20 intervies at 20+ law schools. After the interviews they consider those people, and bring in a smaller number (perhaps 50) for secondary interviews with their committee. Following that, they select a handful for summer positions. So summer jobs with the larger firms are neigh impossible to achieve. I applied to 37 different firms on Sunday, so perhaps I'll get an interview. I interviewed with one of them last year, but didn't pass the initial stage.

Thankfully, this is only perhaps the largest 100 or so firms in the country. To find the others, one must simply put the rubber to the road and hunt on your own. There are thousands of law firms in the country, from 1000 lawyer megafirms to solo practitioners working out of their houses. In a weird juxtaposition of the past 1o years, smaller firms are now doing much better than their larger counterparts. It seems in these tight economic times, people are more cynical about paying the huge sums demanded by the megafirms. I can't imagine why. So, tonight I start hunting in earnest for local firms. Ideally, one of them will be looking for someone to work next summer and stay on through the following year.

On a somewhat unrelated note... my former IP professor at Temple, who is an attorney upstairs at Woodcock Washburn recently won the largest intellectual property judgement in history. So congrats to him... wish I could get a job there!

One of the things I love about the city is the view. It's rainy today, but I actually enjoy these sort of days. There is something about this view of the city that projects a strength to me. I guess part of it is that I never imagined myself as ending up anywhere other than suburbia when I was younger. Despite all the beautiful wilderness I have seen, there is something about the city that draws me.

Work is stressful this week, for a number of reasons. There is a huge deadline next week, combined with a lot of office politics this week. Though it sounds like things are sorting themselves out. Odds are I will be continuing as I have been the last couple months. I am not quite sure of the reasons, but my posting record hours couldn't hurt.

Week 23 in Vermont

Week 23 started fairly rough. It was a very difficult car ride in the cramped backseat on the very long trip to Vermont. There was so much stuff in the car that I either had to sit straight up (which bothered my legs and back after a short bit) or I re-arranged the cargo and had to lay down in one position on my side the rest of the trip. Doing so led to pretty bad car sickness (which I have never had before), a headache, and really bad cramping. Ugh...miserable. I was a bit upset because I wished that my family had been a bit more considerate of me on the drive up....which leads me to my realization this morning. My family has trouble saying I'm sorry...or maybe they just aren't sorry (which I am hoping is not the case). There seems to be a lack of fundamental respect. Even one of the kids seems to be adopting this issue...after spraying fruit juice in my eyes with a juice box (so not funny! and quite surprising), I did not hear a single word of remorse or an "I'm sorry, Aunt Mer." That hurt me a bit...I always try to do right by my dearly loved nieces and nephews.

I have had to bite my tongue quite a few times on this trip with the cracks at liberals and urban life. That is my life...which I like very much. It is hard to hear the jokes and negative comments about those things. I would never choose country living or promote ignorance (ie being a redneck) over education...these are things that go completely against my grain. However, I do not flaunt my beliefs as being the only "good" or "right" way in front of others that obviously embrace these opposing things. It is a level of respect that I believe one must hold for others-it is being open to the possibility that there is more than one way to live this life. I don't know...frustrating to not see the respect returned. It makes me sad that Ian and I had to twist a few arms and make the extra effort to have some family at my thesis defense in Philly...but traveling to Vermont was so much easier for them to do. The belittling of my lifestyle and my beliefs has worn me down a bit on this trip. Sorry for the negativity, but it helps to vent sometimes.

The weather in Vt is beautiful...really makes me miss living in Massachusetts. I could live there again. New England will always be very dear to me. For now Philly (or filthadelphia as my family calls it) is home and is very much loved by me! And I dearly miss my puppy dogs! Oh and Ian of course!!!

Baby is kicking up a storm these days...she is a feisty one!

-Marie

A dog's life...

Tired dog's tonight... We took long walks, even the pups are tired... An hour for the pups and 20 min for big dogs. Below are action shots. Let me just say that one only has to walk through town to learn luna is the most popular dog... If they only knew.

The best dog...

Scopes out her domain.

Bella can't stand...

To be on the ground when there's a better seat available... She's awfully cute though.