2 letter difference...

...between the words motherhood and fatherhood, yet in regard to responsibilities and expectations, a much greater difference. When a mother stays up all night with a fussy baby, doesn't shower for days in a row, and scrapes together the time to do laundry or other mundane chores, then that mother is doing her job. She may or may not get recognition and validation. She puts herself on hold...permanently. When a father *volunteers* to handle night feedings, change a few diapers, or wash a few bottles, then that dad is a great father and the partner should feel lucky to have such a contributing partner. He gets rewarded for this behavior - some men get boys' nights, time to engage in hobbies, or golf outings, etc you know what I mean.

I think there is a terrible double standard for women to be *proper* mothers and also successful contributors to society. Careers for women are just as stressful if not more so than those for men. Multiple barriers to success (that I won't even begin to discuss) challenge women daily. And then to be the primary caregiver to babies and children? I do not feel that men face a comparable amount of stress and responsibility. Unrealistic expectations? Work life balance....one of the biggest challenges to women. Time...our biggest enemy.

I am not working right now, but I am beginning to wonder how I will be able to do that and maintain sanity. I can barely balance taking care of Annette and the pets and keeping up with housework. In fact, I am not sure that I would say I have been successful in that at all, and I would definitely say my sanity is not peaking. I don't shower regularly, I barely eat or drink during the day, and I am up much of the night either catching up on housework or taking care of her. I have a stack of magazines I would like to read. I have jewelry designs that will never be created. I crave a hot shower. I would like to have girly conversations with my friends. I'd like to go shopping! and go out to eat at a new restaurant! I would like an excuse to wear shoes and brush my hair. I sleep in fits of a few hours at a time. I frequently do not know the date or day of the week. My days are measured in checklists...did I get to finish watering the plants, did I wash the bedding, did I feed the dogs before noon, are there more diapers downstairs? Small successes if I manage to do one or two daily. I wonder daily how this house would run if I weren't here...

There are good days and bad days to this whole motherhood thing...perhaps this is a bad day...I am amazed that I scraped together enough time to craft this entry...hope it is coherent!

Finally, happy 8 weeks, sweet Annette! I will continue to try to do my best...for you alone.
-Marie