Hans

This post is cursed...i swear i have tried to write this 10 times now.  I had to put Hans down last night.  he was in renal failure and his quality of life was no longer there.  it was extremely hard to do.  he was such a great cat - mellow and sweet, super soft chinchilla cat.  he and his brother Franz really were the best cats ever.  They can be together again now...that is nice to think about. Peanut was with me - that was hard to deal with too because she didnt understand what was going on.  she even still asks me where ginger is - today we saw a shiny on the ceiling and said "ginger will like that one."  i told her hans is sleeping with ginger in heaven - that seemed to make her content last night.  it was even hard to deal with the sweet vet tech asking me about my "pregnancy."  i told her what was going on - i didn't want her to feel badly  or for her to think she had offended me.  it did hurt of course, not going to lie.  my surgery is in less than a week now.  still terrified.  still overwhelmed.  i asked for extra support at home this past week and this coming week - so far it hasn't happened.  i have put everything/everyone else in front of me for years now - i have a huge mountain on my shoulders every day - primarily financial stress and the instability that causes - but also just taking care of the house - organizing things, making sure the kids have what they need.  i have neglected myself for so long...part of me wonders if that is why i am having these health issues.stress is such a dangerous thing...mentally and physically.  i am worried about post-surgery...worried that this isn't going to just be a simple cyst, worried about who is going to keep this house running.  this is such a complicated, time consuming household...sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have a normal life....but then i remember why it is the way it is.  i am really going to miss you, Hans.  But i like to think you are happier once again.

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