Both kids have nasty snotty colds. I am trying desperately to avoid catching it because then they won't do my surgery on Friday. Feeling tired today...not a good sign.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
New bed for Peanut
Found a gorgeous Pottery Barn white twin sleigh bed for Peanut- complete with trundle bed, both mattresses, nightstand, and bedding- on Craigslist. We set it up this weekend and she loves it. She wants all the cats to sleep on the bed with her...and Sadie lady. We have to get a safety rail before she can sleep in it.
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Saturday, October 13, 2012
Friday, October 12, 2012
Blog
I want to clarify something. This blog was started by Ian and me to chronicle our life...our zoo... Ian rarely contributes to the blog any more. Hmmm... I write to it and post to it to vent, sometimes when happy or proud of someone/thing, and sometimes simply because I just took a cool picture. This blog used to be for us, lately maybe it seems to be for me. Someday, maybe Peanut or Chase will read it too...and see a picture into their early lives. And see into the mind of their crazy mom.
I don't want things judged in this blog...things thrown in my face. I am in a really shitty place these days...feeling extreme anxiety and isolation. It helps me to write about stuff, I have come to realize...and so I might be writing more over the next couple of days.
I love my kids and my animals. They make me insane and sane all at once...but they never make me feel alone. This blog is really about them.
Hans
This post is cursed...i swear i have tried to write this 10 times now. I had to put Hans down last night. he was in renal failure and his quality of life was no longer there. it was extremely hard to do. he was such a great cat - mellow and sweet, super soft chinchilla cat. he and his brother Franz really were the best cats ever. They can be together again now...that is nice to think about. Peanut was with me - that was hard to deal with too because she didnt understand what was going on. she even still asks me where ginger is - today we saw a shiny on the ceiling and said "ginger will like that one." i told her hans is sleeping with ginger in heaven - that seemed to make her content last night. it was even hard to deal with the sweet vet tech asking me about my "pregnancy." i told her what was going on - i didn't want her to feel badly or for her to think she had offended me. it did hurt of course, not going to lie. my surgery is in less than a week now. still terrified. still overwhelmed. i asked for extra support at home this past week and this coming week - so far it hasn't happened. i have put everything/everyone else in front of me for years now - i have a huge mountain on my shoulders every day - primarily financial stress and the instability that causes - but also just taking care of the house - organizing things, making sure the kids have what they need. i have neglected myself for so long...part of me wonders if that is why i am having these health issues.stress is such a dangerous thing...mentally and physically. i am worried about post-surgery...worried that this isn't going to just be a simple cyst, worried about who is going to keep this house running. this is such a complicated, time consuming household...sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have a normal life....but then i remember why it is the way it is. i am really going to miss you, Hans. But i like to think you are happier once again.
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Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Chase playing with rocks
He has his pacifier because he likes to eat rocks!
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Eyeball tree!
Complete with ravens, a fly, spiders, and a bad black cat.
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Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Surgery - October 19
Since < 20 weeks pregnant with Chase, an ovarian cyst was discovered during a routine ultrasound. It was stable during pregnancy but wasn't removed during my C-section because my OB felt it encompassed the ovary and would be difficult to remove without removing the ovary as well. Most of the time, they resolve and go away. I was supposed to do a follow-up ultrasound back in March, but I put it off and put it off because I was too preoccupied with a finding on my mammogram/ultrasound. Had a 6 month follow-up on that issue in September, where they confirmed it is a lymph node and nothing serious. Talk about nagging fear and anxiety for 6 months...what a dark place to be when dealing with a breast cancer scare. (Kind of explains my lack of urgency in blogging I guess) What a relief when they told me they were confident it was a lymph node. I thought I was out of the woods with this constant low-level anxiety, and I remember thinking this is going to be a great Fall after a shitty summer. I scheduled my follow-up pelvic ultrasound and didn't think twice about it until the day of it. It was a little painful, and the tech was a little iffy "looks pretty clear." Well, the cyst got even bigger and has an abnormal finding that makes surgery pretty much the only route forward. Get it out! (I actually prefaced my consultation with my OBGYN with those very words)
My surgery has been scheduled for Friday, October 19. I am having a laparoscopic procedure to remove my left ovarian cyst and ovary. If all goes well, they insert a camera to guide the removal of my entire ovary without rupturing it (they cut/cauterize it, stuff it in a bag, and then remove it from my abdominal cavity...kind of cool if it weren't happening to me) and I will have 3 incision sites (2 small, 1 a little bigger). Should be released from the hospital same day. 1-2 weeks out of work. If the cyst has grown any bigger (it is at the upper end of the capacity of those bags) or is difficult to remove cleanly, then they will have to cut me open (laparotomy - similar in concept to the incision/recovery of a C-section). Won't know until I wake up. Can't wait for this to be over. I am a control freak...painful to leave my outcome in the hands of someone else.
The ovary will be sent for histology to rule out ovarian cancer. If anything else looks suspicious, it will go during surgery too. Had a blood draw for a blood biomarker for ovarian cancer - should hear about that later this week. Yeah, I am pretty anxious these days. I know the chance of ovarian cancer is really small...but, really, who wants to hear of any chance of cancer? Especially such an insidious cancer at that. Especially after spending 6 months worrying about a different kind of cancer. Especially after losing a friend to breast cancer on June 1st (diagnosed at 35 as Stage IV and then died at 40) and having watched another friend (funny, both from where i worked in Massachusetts, both fantastic ladies) fight ovarian cancer years ago and lose her fertility to the wretched disease. Someone at Home Depot last night asked me when I was due (as in baby) and I dodged the question - I have noticed abdominal distension for some time now - it has happened a couple of times where a complete stranger asked me that question (all women, all trying to be nice) and I had to play it off as "just had a baby"- was hard on myself and thought I was a failure at losing the weight gained from 2 pregnancies. Mortifying. Now this question is also terrifying as this is kind of a hallmark of ovarian cancer (though it can occur with large cysts as well). Should I have answered, "due on Oct. 19...i will be delivering a sizeable mass that has taken my ovary hostage...looking forward to meeting the little monster."
I wish Ginger were still here. I could talk to that big brown dog about all of this and she would make me feel better. People are of no comfort - they try to talk and talk and tell you it will be all right. Just don't talk, really. Dogs lay at your feet, put their heads in your lap and just listen. They speak through their warm brown eyes...and that is all I want. Naida, my big dumb black dog, is trying to fill Ginger's void. She is getting there.
My surgery has been scheduled for Friday, October 19. I am having a laparoscopic procedure to remove my left ovarian cyst and ovary. If all goes well, they insert a camera to guide the removal of my entire ovary without rupturing it (they cut/cauterize it, stuff it in a bag, and then remove it from my abdominal cavity...kind of cool if it weren't happening to me) and I will have 3 incision sites (2 small, 1 a little bigger). Should be released from the hospital same day. 1-2 weeks out of work. If the cyst has grown any bigger (it is at the upper end of the capacity of those bags) or is difficult to remove cleanly, then they will have to cut me open (laparotomy - similar in concept to the incision/recovery of a C-section). Won't know until I wake up. Can't wait for this to be over. I am a control freak...painful to leave my outcome in the hands of someone else.
The ovary will be sent for histology to rule out ovarian cancer. If anything else looks suspicious, it will go during surgery too. Had a blood draw for a blood biomarker for ovarian cancer - should hear about that later this week. Yeah, I am pretty anxious these days. I know the chance of ovarian cancer is really small...but, really, who wants to hear of any chance of cancer? Especially such an insidious cancer at that. Especially after spending 6 months worrying about a different kind of cancer. Especially after losing a friend to breast cancer on June 1st (diagnosed at 35 as Stage IV and then died at 40) and having watched another friend (funny, both from where i worked in Massachusetts, both fantastic ladies) fight ovarian cancer years ago and lose her fertility to the wretched disease. Someone at Home Depot last night asked me when I was due (as in baby) and I dodged the question - I have noticed abdominal distension for some time now - it has happened a couple of times where a complete stranger asked me that question (all women, all trying to be nice) and I had to play it off as "just had a baby"- was hard on myself and thought I was a failure at losing the weight gained from 2 pregnancies. Mortifying. Now this question is also terrifying as this is kind of a hallmark of ovarian cancer (though it can occur with large cysts as well). Should I have answered, "due on Oct. 19...i will be delivering a sizeable mass that has taken my ovary hostage...looking forward to meeting the little monster."
I wish Ginger were still here. I could talk to that big brown dog about all of this and she would make me feel better. People are of no comfort - they try to talk and talk and tell you it will be all right. Just don't talk, really. Dogs lay at your feet, put their heads in your lap and just listen. They speak through their warm brown eyes...and that is all I want. Naida, my big dumb black dog, is trying to fill Ginger's void. She is getting there.
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